Right now, I feel like I'm dreaming while eveyone else is awake. I feel that way cause in our circle of friends I seem to be the outsider, the one whos just there because theres all this whispering being done that I'm seeing, but not hearing. I want to be in on it all, but I guess I'm not invited and I blame it on me being anti-social. The more I see that people aren't allowing me into their "circle" the more I cower away building a bomb in my mind that is going to explode if the right wire doesn't get cut. I feel that Carmella is the one who's holding the spoon, stirring up everything in our pot of friends. It just seems to me that she's the one linked to everything, she's the one doing the most whispering. Question: she's always getting mad at others for telling her secrets. Doesn't she do the same thing by telling other people's secrets? Does it seem as if shes okay with telling other people's secrets and yet when it comes to her secrets, no one can know? I could be wrong, these are just observations that have turned in to possible realizations. Another thing that annoys me, is her complaning. It seems to me that she blames a lot on her family and yet she's never done anything wrong. So, I'm being to believe that maybe she's beginning to blame her family because she's gotten away with doing it so many other times. Also, if her family is causing so many problems and they are affecting her life that much then she needs to seek help cause I don't think things are going to get any better once her mom has that baby. And I'm sorry for saying that, but its what I think and I want to say it to get it out of my mind. It's not good to keep things in your mind they take up space that you just can't risk to be taken up. It could also be that I'm in a mood to bitch. One more minor thing that is bugging me about Carmella, how many blogs does she need to have? She has an angelfire one, bravenet, two xangas, and probably some more I don't know about. All of those were once secret and she wanted to keep them secret, but you know what? She's not real smooth. She signs other blogs using the name of the blog she wants as "secret" and yet she yells at other people when they find out about even though it was her fault for being sloppy about keeping it "secret". She doesn't know this, but her current secret one, I know it. I have it saved under favorites, not as a subscribtion, that would be sloppy of me. And I don't leave comments. To stop complaining about Carmella, I'll move on to someone else, well two others actually. Anna & Jason. When they are around each other, can they take just one second to realize that they aren't the only ones in the room. They act like they're the only ones in the room and its annoying! Jason seems to of become like obssessed with Anna, like his every waking thought revolves around her. It seems like Anna is his world. Cute, but more so sad. Anna currently recieved a job at Dairy Queen, which makes it so that now she has 1. School work, 2. Track, 3. Softball (when she joins), and 4. Dairy Queen. Now to me it seems like shes taking on a lot and I don't feel like shes going to be capable to do it all, she has too much confidence in her self. I know I wouldn't be able to do all of that, I don't do my chores as it is and thats not much. Anyway, I'll move on, Denise. She seems to feel as if she's the most important one in a room and thats not fully making sense, I think, but heres an example. Last night at the party my mom was trying to explain how to play Taboo because not everyone knew how to play, but Denise is sitting there saying " I know, I know how to play." I couple times. What really used to get on my nerves about her, but now I'm just getting used to it, is that fact that she never has a lunch. Okay, about once a week she has french fries and when she doesnt have food she mooches off of everyone else. And, everytime you ask her why she doens't have a lunch its the same excuse, she either forgot to ask for money or her parents forgot to give her money. How can you forget it everyday of the school year?!?! I suspect that she's not eating lunch because she thinks she gonna get fat, she thinks that in not eating lunch she will get healither. If thats the case, shes needs like an intervention or something to show her why she needs to eat lunch, why its important, especially since shes in sports now. Finishing up with the girls, Rachel. And yes, I remember that you know this blog, but I made this blog to say things like this, and its my mistake for slipping. Anyways, Rachel, you can tend to be rude. To get someone's attention don't grunt, kick, push, or whatever. Say their name, tap on the shoulder, but don't get their attention and anger in the same process. You need to learn to use your mouth when you want something instead of thinking people can read your mind. I know, these are becoming fewer instances, but there are still some. I'm going to move on to the guys, starting with Jon. This first thing isn't against him, it's something I forgot to add earlier that is connected to him. At lunch, when Jon is kind of quiet, maybe having his head on the table, I think he does that to see if Carmella will notice because shes giving more of her attention to Jason then Jon. Therefore, making Jon feel left out. Now, Jon, when I talk to him on the phone he tends to say that he is the best at everything and that he deserves better, but he says in such a sly way like he's saying he's not trying to be and in a way you don't quite notice till you think it over. Garritt, Ronnie, and Geoff, I have nothing currently against them so I shall move on to Bryan. I hate the way I let him get away with things I wouldn't let anyone else get away with. The things he says at lunch annoy me yet I just let him get away with it, I laugh it off. Yet I know that if it was anyone else I wouldn't let them. That I know is because I still like him, he's right up there next to Eric. Enough about my friends. Me.
One thing I dislike about myself, this. The way I just go through all of my friends and pick out all of there bad qualities before their good. I don't like how my memory absolutely sucks and it probably annoys my friends because they'll tell me something and then I wont remember it and it even annoys me. I hate the fact that I let people call me stupid and stuff like that. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not I don't know and maybe thats the reason why I don't like people calling me that, I'm unsure of it myself. I probably let people call me that because I'm used to being called a moron by my mom.
Since I mentioned my mom, I think I'll mention something about my father that really bugs me. Starting with something small. The money he spends on nicorites and beer. I believe he has pretty much stopped with the beer, but he spends I believe $80 dollars a week on nicorites and he's been on nicorites for a couple years now. That's a lot of wasted money in my opinion. A more major thing that I have no clue what to do about is what he looks at while on the internet. Everyone in my house knows what he looks at while on the internet, in fact he saves the photos on to the computer. One time the pictures even turned into a screensavor and he blamed the computer saying that we probably had a virus that put them there, bull crap! When my sister was in high school and still living at home, if she found them, because hes another person thats not good at covering up their steps, she deleted them. So, when I found them, I deleted them. I've given up though cause it does no good, it doesn't stop him. In fact, one day I was looking for this one black board that we use for making puzzles on and I looked behind the bookshelf that its usually behind. Instead of finding the board, I spotted a magazine by the ground. I went upstairs and got a flashlight so I could see what it was and I read the binding, . . .Playboy, but I'm assuming you already figured that. I haven't told anyone about that cause I don't know who to tell and I don't want to tell my mom cause I don't know how she would react. What do I do? Who do I tell? This is one of the reasons why I don't trust my father, why I prefer hanging out with my mom.
Like I said before, can I wake up now? Wake up from this dream thats turned into a nightmare?
